Light After Life

Exploring the mysteries of Life, Death and Beyond. Afterlife, Mediumship, Spiritualism: Death is not the end; I am but waiting for you for an interval ...

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» RICHET, Prof. Charles Robert
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» Psi Encyclopedia
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» RAUDIVE, Dr. Konstantin
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» Old Diary Leaves: The True Story of the Theosophical Society
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» Was Abraham Lincoln a Spiritualist?
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» LIPPIT, Francis James
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» LINCOLN, Abraham
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» LEES, Robert James
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» LANCELIN, Charles
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» KÜBLER-ROSS, Elisabeth
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» KÖBERLE, Fidelio
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» KING, William Lyon Mackenzie
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» KING, Dr John Sumpter
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» KERNER, Justinus (Andreas) (Christian)
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» JASTROW, Dr. Joseph
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» JANET, Dr. Pierre
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» JAMES, Prof. William
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» JAGOT, Paul-Clement
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» IMICH, Dr. Alexander
by Candlelight.kk 19th May 2018, 11:37

» Contact With The Other World: The latest evidence as to communication with the dead
by Candlelight.kk 19th May 2018, 11:33

» HYSLOP, James Hervey
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» HUGO, Victor
by Candlelight.kk 19th May 2018, 11:24

» HUDSON, Thomas Jay
by Candlelight.kk 19th May 2018, 11:19

» Law of Psychic Phenomena
by Candlelight.kk 19th May 2018, 11:16

» A Study of Spiritualism in the Life and Work of Elizabeth Barrett Browning
by Candlelight.kk 18th May 2018, 23:56

» HOWITT, William
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» HOUDINI, Harry (aka Erik Weisz)
by Candlelight.kk 18th May 2018, 22:09

» HOLZER, Hans
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» HODGSON, Richard
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» HESSE, Hermann Karl
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» HART, Hornell Norris
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» HARRIS, Thomas Lake
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» HAMILTON, Thomas Glendenning
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» GURNEY, Edmund
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» GURDJIEFF, George Ivanovitch
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» GREGORY, William
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» GIBIER, Paul
by Candlelight.kk 18th May 2018, 21:38

» GELEY, Gustav
by Candlelight.kk 18th May 2018, 21:36

» GARLAND, Hamlin
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The Psi Encyclopedia

Created by the Society for
Psychical Research in London,
the Psi Encyclopedia is a collection
of articles and case studies about psi research, the scientific investigation of psychic phenomena. (see post)

Contents A-Z

Library of free online reading

A collection of FREE online reading relating to Spiritualism/Psi research
past & present.

Click HERE to enter

_____ KRAZY KATS FORUM _____

Visit Krazy Kats forum here:
(Separate membership & login required)

QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Gold Star Member
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QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by Stardust on 16th May 2017, 17:10

28 Aug 2008, 11:11

John Powell:
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

Jewish Proverb:
What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.

Vanna Bonta:
Fear plants the whisper to beware, but doesn't look to see who's there.

Richard Bach:
Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.

Swedish Proverb:
Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water.

A gentle whisper like the breeze sighing, so easy to miss, listen carefully...
Seasoned Poster
Seasoned Poster

Posts : 334
Likes received : 2

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by Misty on 16th May 2017, 17:12

30 Aug 2008, 10:37

“Medicine makes people ill, mathematics makes them sad, and theology makes them sinful.”
- Martin Luther (1483-1546)
German leader of the Reformation.

Napoléon Bonaparte - “Do you know what astonished me most in the world? The inability of force to create anything. In the long run, the sword is always beaten by the spirit.”

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe - “Words are good, but there is something better. The best is not to be explained by words. The spirit in which we act is the chief matter. Action can only be understood and represented by the spirit.”

Proverb - “If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation If there is order in the nation, there will be Peace in the World.”

Robert Louis Stevenson - “To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive.”

Aristotle - “What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing.”

Kahlil Gibran - “Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit.”

Samuel Butler - “Life is like music; it must be composed by ear, feeling, and instinct, not by rule.”

Albert Einstein - “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a Miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

Duchess of Windsor - “Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.”
Seasoned Poster
Seasoned Poster

Posts : 355
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Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by lar-lar on 16th May 2017, 17:14

31 Aug 2008, 22:30

Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it’s looks, most women know otherwise.
- - -Kathleen Turner (1986)

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.
- - -Wilson Mizner

Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
- - -Phyllis Diller

Blind faith in your leaders, or in anything, will get you killed.
- - -Bruce Springsteen

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
- - -George Burns

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
- - -Dorothy Parker

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.
- - -Will Rogers

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
- - -George Burns

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.
- - -George Burns

Drugs have nothing to do with the creation of music. In fact, drugs are dumb and self-indulgent. Kind of like sucking your thumb.
- - -Courtney Love

Have no fear of perfection- you'll never reach it.
- - -Salvador Dali

He who slings mud generally loses ground.
- - -Adlai Stevenson

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
- - -Steve Landesberg

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- - -Phyllis Diller

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
- - -Jon Winokur

I always advise people never to give advice.
- - -P. G. Wodehouse

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
- - -Bill Maher

I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
- - -Adela Rogers St. John

If a pit bull romances your leg, fake an orgasm.
- - -Hut Landon

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
- - -G. K. Chesterton

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . . very slowly.
- - -Gypsy Rose Lee

If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.
- - -Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr.

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- - -Linda Furney

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- - -Dan Quayle

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
- - -Harry S Truman

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
- - -Judith Manners

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- - -George Carlin

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
- - -Bobby Slayton

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
- - -Rush

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
- - -Bobcat Goldthwait

If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.
- - -Boy George

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
- - -Katherine Hepburn

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : "I'm cheap!"
- - -Delta Burke

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.
- - -Norm Crosby

If you're there before it's over, you're on time.
- - -James Walker

Impropriety is the soul of wit.
- - -W. Somerset Maugham

It ain't over till it's over.
- - -Yogi Berra

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- - -William Clinton

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
- - -George Bernard Shaw

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
- - -Shirley MacLaine

Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
- - -Mae West

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
- - -Groucho Marx

Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.
- - -Eva Gabor

No problem is so large it cannot be run away from.
- - -Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts)

Nothing goes out of fashion sooner than a long dress with a very low neck.
- - -Coco Chanel

Often you just have to rely on your intuition.
- - -Bill Gates, Microsoft

Oh, grow up!
- - -Joan Rivers

Old age is no place for sissies.
- - -Bette Davis

Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.
- - -Miss Piggy

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!
- - -Tommy Smothers

Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger.
- - -Abbie Hoffman

Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them.
- - -Coco Chanel

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- - -W. C. Fields

Stay humble. Always answer the phone, no matter who else is in the car.
- - -Jack Lemmon

Success is a great deodorant.
- - -Elizabeth Taylor

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
- - -Roseanne Arnold

The future will be better tomorrow.
- - -Dan Quayle

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
- - -Lucille Ball

The worst crime is faking it.
- - -Kurt Cobain

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
- - -Elton John

Time wounds all heels.
- - -Jane Ace

To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time.
- - -Katherine Hepburn

What the hell--you might be right, you might be wrong...but don't just avoid.
- - -Katherine Hepburn

When your conscience says law is immoral, don't follow it.
- - -Jack Kevorkian

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans.
- - -Ronald Reagan

You've got to take the bitter with the sour.
- - -Samuel Goldwyn

What you shouldn't do . . .

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing.
- - -Buddy Hackett

Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected, then get even.
- - -James Carville

Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.
- - -Janis Joplin

Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity.
- - -Nick Diamos

Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.
- - -Tom Stoppard

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
- - -William Brighty Rands

Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon.
- - -Jilly Cooper

Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store.
- - -Miss Piggy
Gold Star Member
Gold Star Member

Posts : 903
Location : City of Light
Likes received : 3

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by Stardust on 16th May 2017, 17:16

01 Sep 2008, 09:44

Oh, some real beauties there, misty and lar-lar.
What a grand start to a Monday morning.

A positive attitude is like a fire; unless you continue to add fuel, it goes out. (Alexander Lockhart)

A gentle whisper like the breeze sighing, so easy to miss, listen carefully...
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Location : Scotland
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Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by Feather on 16th May 2017, 17:17

01 Sep 2008, 09:50

Thoroughly enjoyed all that. Great stuff.

Banish the darkness of ignorance. Encourage the light of knowledge.
Gold Star Member
Gold Star Member

Posts : 903
Location : City of Light
Likes received : 3

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by Stardust on 16th May 2017, 17:19

02 Sep 2008, 13:00

Chop your own wood, and it will warm you twice.
(Henry Ford)

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.
(Anne Bancroft)

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
(Ann Landers)

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
(Martin Luther King Jr.)

A gentle whisper like the breeze sighing, so easy to miss, listen carefully...
Just can't stay away
Just can't stay away

Posts : 54
Likes received : 0

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by jiffy on 16th May 2017, 17:20

05 Nov 2009, 10:15

Quotes of the Week - Oct 13, 2009:
"This is only phase one of the scandal. Phase two: I go on Oprah and sob." -- David Letterman makes light of being blackmailed for having sex with his staff.

Posts : 2482
Location : London
Likes received : 29

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by Candlelight.kk on 16th May 2017, 17:22

05 Nov 2009, 12:05

Chop your own wood, and it will warm you twice.
(Henry Ford)

I know I'm a bit slow at times ... but no matter how many times I read this, I just don't get it.  confused
VIP Member
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Posts : 519
Location : Scotland
Likes received : 0

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by Feather on 16th May 2017, 17:24

05 Nov 2009, 12:31

I think it means you will sweat(be warm) from chopping it and from the fire
you put it on.  very happy very happy

Banish the darkness of ignorance. Encourage the light of knowledge.

Quite a regular
Quite a regular

Posts : 28
Likes received : 0

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by maxine on 16th May 2017, 17:29

02 Jan 2010, 01:14

«If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.»
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
«So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?»
— Christina Aguilera
«I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.»
- Greg Norman, Golfer
«I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost.»
- Frank Bruno, Boxer
«Facts are stupid things.»
- Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President
«Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.»
- Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian cabinet minister
«There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964.»
- Roger Daltrey, Singer/Actor
«I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa.»
- Britney Spears
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Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by Feather on 16th May 2017, 17:31

02 Jan 2010, 11:17

lol lol lol lol lol lol lol

Banish the darkness of ignorance. Encourage the light of knowledge.

Quite a regular
Quite a regular

Posts : 28
Likes received : 0

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by maxine on 16th May 2017, 17:32

16 Jan 2010, 16:26

It was funny when prince charles was talking to his sons and he thought the microphone was off.He told his sons he never liked a particular reporter,how embarrasing.
Gold Star Member
Gold Star Member

Posts : 903
Location : City of Light
Likes received : 3

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by Stardust on 16th May 2017, 17:34

18 Jan 2010, 16:29

Those quotes you put up are so funny, maxine.
Got any more?
Mr. Green

A gentle whisper like the breeze sighing, so easy to miss, listen carefully...

Quite a regular
Quite a regular

Posts : 28
Likes received : 0

Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by maxine on 16th May 2017, 17:38

20 Jan 2010, 01:23

Thanks,hubby gave me these to pass on.

1) Paris Hilton talking to press about the US chain store: “Wal-Mart… do they like make walls there?”

2) Jessica Simpson on NewleyWeds: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken by the Sea.’

3) Alicia Silverstone on her role in Clueless: “I think that the film was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”

4) Chantelle Houghton when Big Brother said she had changed since becoming a celebrity: “I’ve changed? What do you mean… I’ve changed my clothes?”

5) Jodie Marsh in a recent interview: “Eskimos are uncivilised because they don’t have any shops.”

6) Paris Hilton on her technique on the red carpet: “I don’t really think, I just walk.”

7) Jessica Simpson on her first day at high school: “A teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. I was sooo excited. I was like, Damn it! It’s my first day of 7th grade, I’m in junior high and I know this answer. So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said A-E-I-O-U!”

8) Goldie Horn on her favourite types of films: “Comedy is funny”.

9) Sam Fox on fitness clothes: “I’ve got 10 pairs of training shoes – one for every day of the week.”

10) Britney Spears on her taste in clothes: “So many people have asked me how I could possibly be a role model and dress like a tramp and get implants… all I have to say is that self-esteem is how you look at yourself and I feel good enough about myself so wear that kind of clothing… the breast implant issue has nothing to do with that…”

11) BB’s Helen Adam’s on education: “The worst thing is when the press call me a dizzy blonde – I got a B in Drama, a D in English, I did a hairdressing course and a beauty certificate.”

12) Lady Victoria Hervey on the homeless: “It’s so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day.”

13) Britney on Japan “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”

14) Jessica Simpson when offered buffalo wings: “Sorry I don’t eat buffalo.”

15) Paris Hilton on her fame: “There’s nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I’m that icon.”

16) Chantelle Houghton on George Galloway: “He looks at us like we’re stupid, scatty, uneducated girls. He’s a right chauvinistic pig, whatever that means!”

17) Cameron Diaz on science: “I’ve been noticing gravity since I was very young.”

18) Britney Spears on where she might start her theatre career: “I would rather start out somewhere small, like London or England.”

19) BB’s Helen Adams on magic man Paul Daniels: “Yeah, you know Jack Daniels… he does all the magic stuff!”

20) Christina Aguilera on film festivals: “So where’s the Cannes film festival being held this year?”

21) Paris Hilton on her career choices: “First wanted to be a veterinarian. And then I realised you had to give them shots to put them to sleep, so I decided I’d just buy a bunch of animals and have them in my house instead.”

22) Alicia Douvall on motherhood: “I think a 16-year-old with a nice, sexy figure will do really well as a model as long as she’s managed well. That’s why I’m happy for Georgia to have a boob job because it will give her a career.”

23) Chantelle Houghton on hearing George Galloway was an MP: “Does that mean you work in that big room with the green seats?”

24) Britney on capital punishment: “I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time.”

25) BB2’s Helen Adams on pulses: “How much chicken is there in chick peas?”

26) Chanelle Hayes on her Posh spice obsession: “I like what she (Victoria Beckham) wears. That’s what magazines are all about – there’s always a picture of a celebrity and where to buy a replica of what they’re wearing. It’s not as if I’m doing anything weird.”

27) Paris Hilton on her title: “I don’t want to be known as the Hilton heiress, because I didn’t do anything for that.”

28) Tara Reid on her fellow blonde celeb: “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”

29) Ivana Trump on literature: “Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.”

30) Christina Aguilera on herself: “I’m an ocean, because I’m really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures.”

31) Britney Spears on her first tour: “Where the hell is Australia anyway?”

32) Alicia Douvall on surgery: “I know it (plastic surgeries) will kill me. But I’d rather die trying to sort things out.”

33) Jodie Marsh on cooking: “Is an egg a vegetable?”

34) Kimberly Stewart on Jennifer Aniston: “I like her cos she’s like, homely. She must have something else going on cos it’s not like she’s gorgeous or anything.”

35) Jessica Simpson on her mood at the VH1 ‘05 video awards: “Isn’t it weird I’m getting all emotionable.”

36) Helen Adams on BB2 : “I probably sound Welsh on the telly.”

37) Mariah Carey on the death of the King of Jordan: “I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.”

38) Chantelle Houghton on different types of doctors: “What’s a gynaecologist?”

39) Pamela Anderson on her secret to success: “I don’t think about anything too much . . . If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out!”

40) Ivana Trump on getting one over on her ex’s new girlfriend: “Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.”

41) Brooke Shields on her campaign against smoking: “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

42) Heather Locklear on being proud of her heritage: “From an early age I was aware of what America meant, and how the Marines at Camp Pendleton were ready to defend us at a moment’s notice. I also remember what fabulous bodies those troops had.”

43) Jessica Simpson on her scantily clad videos: “I’m definitely shy, so it was definitely acting for me to drop a trench coat and be in a bikini and try to get my cousins out of trouble by using my body. That was definitely acting!”

44) Chantelle Houghton working out the shopping budget: “Eleventy-twelve pence? I don’t get it. How much is that then?”

45) Britney on why she did a cover of I Love Rock and Roll: “I always loved Pat Benatar.”

46) Emma Bunton on moobs: “I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It’s so funny – when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it’s a comfort thing.”

47) Cyndi Crawford on modelling: “In the studio, I do try to have a thought in my head, so that it’s not like a blank stare.”

48) The late Anna Nicole Smith on suicide bombers: “Doesn’t that hurt?”

49) Jessica Simpson to the President when visiting the White House: “I love what you’ve done with the place!”

50) Mischa Barton on being blessed with looks: “Pretty people aren’t as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas.”

____________The Stupidest Things President George W. Bush Has Ever Said

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?"

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

Quite a regular
Quite a regular

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Re: QUOTES (serious, frivolous, nonsense: all welcome)

Post by maxine on 16th May 2017, 17:39

20 Jan 2010, 01:30
"You only require two things in life: your sanity and your wife" Tony Blair

"The single most important two things we can do..." Tony Blair

"I don't make predictions. I never have and I never will." Tony Blair

It is claimed that in the UK up to 25% of all calls to 999, the emergency services number, are hoax calls...

"I'd like a cuddle please."

"A mouse has swallowed my medicine!!!"

"I need someone to change the television channel."

"I've had a dream that I was unconscious and I've just collapsed."

"Help! My trousers don't fit."

"There's a pigeon in my garden."

"Can you send someone over to get a can of pop out of my fridge?"

"Could I have a pizza delivered please?"

"I've broken my fingernail. HELP!"

Funny(Real) 911 Calls
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering...does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is...

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

    Current date/time is 28th May 2018, 04:30